To my Mother

I have made my mind up that I am going to be the woman I am regardless of what my mother thinks or feels she has been in a constant state of denial over my being transgender over the years she has said that those who are gay were born gay well I say this to my dear mother I was Born Transgendered like those in the gay community I to have had to deal with those who for their own reasons have come against those they do not understand and for the most part no one in my family has ever understood me well when you have seen as many therapist that I have seen you come to realize that you will go through life as a misfit being a square peg that never really fits into a round hole. To some this may be perceived as being out right mean but I can in no way live a lie,I must live the truth and be who and what I am and that is Alicia Nicole Neal and that is all woman,and yes I can hear the conservative Christians preach their hate and for years I preached the same hate and I did so out of 2 things the denial of who I was and the out right indoctrination of the lack of mercy and grace of Jesus Christ ,and when it says that God loves the world he meant the whole world.16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. 17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
John 3:16-17 (KJV)

Strange feeling

I know this will sound strange but at times I find myself “Day dreaming” what sex with a normal female body would be like with ether a man or a woman, what kind of sensations would I have with my Vagina and how would I react to the touch of a man or how would I handle the advances of a woman,I also sometimes sit and think what would a date be like with a man, sometimes when I think of what it would be like to be in bed with another woman and to feel to touch of her soft skin next to my soft skin what would that be like ,and what would it feel like to have a man penetrate me and to be inside me and for what it would be like to have a mind blowing orgasm these are the thoughts of a real woman traped inside the wrong body. every time I look at the catalogs I see dresses or outfits that would work great on a date what would I wear under them and what perfume would I wear with the out fit I just want to have sex with a body that I want I want have sex as what I am and that is all 100% woman and I  have a dream of wearing this to bed .and what is so strange is I dream about it all the time I dream of the day that I can wear this for 24 hours so I would be able to have sex at the drop of a hat with nothing on under it well that is the strange feelings I have been having.
Love Alicia Neal aka the Real me

The Bean

The beans are spilled

Well here are the beans I was talking about............

after years of being judge mental and trying to hide the real reason for my judge mentality it was all a cover up for what I have dealt with for many years and who I really am and now If this gets back to chat now I don't care after you read this you may unfriend me but I wanted to share with you what I have now shared with about 6 of my real friends and I hope I will not lose you as a friend when you’re done reading this.

This is what I sent to a longtime friend of mine,

I hope this finds you doing well and I hope the weather has not affected you too much I am sending you this message in hopes that you and Audrey will be praying for me as I am having some real big interpersonal issues for a long time I have felt like I was 2 people in one, I noticed that you was friends with Jim Earl Swilley I watched intently his confession to his congregation has to his Homosexuality and after watching the whole thing I sent him a message and I conveyed to him that I was in no place to pass judgement because I was dealing with some issues of my own and have dealt with theses issues since I was about 6 years old so now after some time I feel like I can trust you with this as we have been friends for many years I have known for a long time I was different well there is just no sugar coated way of saying this I am transgendered I have felt like I was trapped in the wrong body I have had to reconcile what I have been taught and what I have preached with what and who I am I may wind up resigning the ministry over this but I am taking this one day at the Time and yes Lauren knows she even says I am more like a woman than a man this is an excerpt of a letter I sent to some of my family members

This is just a note to my entire family member as some of you may have known and for some of you may not have known I have been dealing with a lot of things in my 48 years of life. Approximately 4 years ago I attempted to commit suicide I felt as if I was a failure as a person, as a husband and mostly as a father, me and my wife attended counseling at the pastoral institute and during that time I had to bring some things out to my wife and at the time she was shocked but came to realize how deep my personal problems had become, shortly after that happened my daughter was molested by a 15 year old boy at the age of 9 we have gone through a lot with her distrust of boys and she asked why was I going through therapy with momma then we made a decision to tell her why because she begged to know so me and the wife decided to tell her she had a great understanding of my life’s deepest issues . Now I bring it to all of you as of Friday April 2008 I am out of the closet as a Transgendered person

I hope that I will not lose you as a friend over this I just cannot explain what it is like to be the person who is dealing from the inside out i equate it to a living hell I hope that I gain the same kind of Grace and mercy from the Lord as I can get.

Charles Neal

And this was his response,

Stephen Pafford January 11 at 11:24am Report

First Charles, you won't lose me as a friend. You won't lose the Lord as a friend either. He will give you grace and mercy. What does transgendered mean? Are you cross-dressing? You told me that you had experienced that years ago. Are you being faithful to Lauren? I'm not asking to judge. It's just that I don't know what all transgendered means. .

This is what I sent him back.

I feel as if I am a woman trapped in a man’s body and have felt this way since I was about 6 years of age and yes I am faithful to Lauren and always will be ,I have known this for years but I have buried it with my judge-mentality of others , And by what I mean I feel as if I am trapped in the wrong body in my mind I am a woman and always have been when other boys was playing cowboys and Indians I wanted to play house when other boys love Blue I have always loved Pink and there are other things too that I could tell you as to why I feel this way. Now you see why I could not Judge Jim Earl, I hope is that I have not lost your respect

Charles Neal.

AKA Alicia Neal

That is what my mother was going to name me if I had be born a GG (Genetic Girl)

I am tired of Hiding the real me. 

From My Journal

As I look on this day I see things more clearly as a woman than I ever did as a man I know that that might sound weird but I act and think better as a woman I see things as a woman would see them and I know that the world will judge me harshly and the Church will judge me even harsher. When I look at the Rainbow I see the pastels and look for the lavenders, When I look at the fields I look for the flowers and I long to smell the Roses and have the breeze blow and swirl my skirt as the sun kisses my Skin and feel the embrace of the arms of God as he hugs me with His love.

the Book True selves

I bought a book that I have fell in love with and it explains alot of how I have felt over the years you know when your TG unless your TG you really don't understand what it is like and what you feel I tell people like this I have a Cadillac Brian(Computer) in a VW body and that is the best I can put it when your brain says Woman and your soul says Woman and the body says Man you feel like your screwed in the world so this book has opened my eyes about what I am. and have gone through and before I was a real judge metal person but now I am one of the most understanding people in the world well Thats it for this Blog I hope you all have a great day.

Jeannie C. Riley -- Harper Valley P.T.A.

New Family on facebook

I have had the pleasure of having some of my blood relatives added to my face book and they all may not have all come around to the fact that the Real me is Alicia Neal but it has been comforting to me that this has happened and a relief in general and I am so glad that they have seen the real side of who and what I am.