The Bean

The beans are spilled

Well here are the beans I was talking about............

after years of being judge mental and trying to hide the real reason for my judge mentality it was all a cover up for what I have dealt with for many years and who I really am and now If this gets back to chat now I don't care after you read this you may unfriend me but I wanted to share with you what I have now shared with about 6 of my real friends and I hope I will not lose you as a friend when you’re done reading this.

This is what I sent to a longtime friend of mine,

I hope this finds you doing well and I hope the weather has not affected you too much I am sending you this message in hopes that you and Audrey will be praying for me as I am having some real big interpersonal issues for a long time I have felt like I was 2 people in one, I noticed that you was friends with Jim Earl Swilley I watched intently his confession to his congregation has to his Homosexuality and after watching the whole thing I sent him a message and I conveyed to him that I was in no place to pass judgement because I was dealing with some issues of my own and have dealt with theses issues since I was about 6 years old so now after some time I feel like I can trust you with this as we have been friends for many years I have known for a long time I was different well there is just no sugar coated way of saying this I am transgendered I have felt like I was trapped in the wrong body I have had to reconcile what I have been taught and what I have preached with what and who I am I may wind up resigning the ministry over this but I am taking this one day at the Time and yes Lauren knows she even says I am more like a woman than a man this is an excerpt of a letter I sent to some of my family members

This is just a note to my entire family member as some of you may have known and for some of you may not have known I have been dealing with a lot of things in my 48 years of life. Approximately 4 years ago I attempted to commit suicide I felt as if I was a failure as a person, as a husband and mostly as a father, me and my wife attended counseling at the pastoral institute and during that time I had to bring some things out to my wife and at the time she was shocked but came to realize how deep my personal problems had become, shortly after that happened my daughter was molested by a 15 year old boy at the age of 9 we have gone through a lot with her distrust of boys and she asked why was I going through therapy with momma then we made a decision to tell her why because she begged to know so me and the wife decided to tell her she had a great understanding of my life’s deepest issues . Now I bring it to all of you as of Friday April 2008 I am out of the closet as a Transgendered person

I hope that I will not lose you as a friend over this I just cannot explain what it is like to be the person who is dealing from the inside out i equate it to a living hell I hope that I gain the same kind of Grace and mercy from the Lord as I can get.

Charles Neal

And this was his response,

Stephen Pafford January 11 at 11:24am Report

First Charles, you won't lose me as a friend. You won't lose the Lord as a friend either. He will give you grace and mercy. What does transgendered mean? Are you cross-dressing? You told me that you had experienced that years ago. Are you being faithful to Lauren? I'm not asking to judge. It's just that I don't know what all transgendered means. .

This is what I sent him back.

I feel as if I am a woman trapped in a man’s body and have felt this way since I was about 6 years of age and yes I am faithful to Lauren and always will be ,I have known this for years but I have buried it with my judge-mentality of others , And by what I mean I feel as if I am trapped in the wrong body in my mind I am a woman and always have been when other boys was playing cowboys and Indians I wanted to play house when other boys love Blue I have always loved Pink and there are other things too that I could tell you as to why I feel this way. Now you see why I could not Judge Jim Earl, I hope is that I have not lost your respect

Charles Neal.

AKA Alicia Neal

That is what my mother was going to name me if I had be born a GG (Genetic Girl)

I am tired of Hiding the real me. 

From My Journal

As I look on this day I see things more clearly as a woman than I ever did as a man I know that that might sound weird but I act and think better as a woman I see things as a woman would see them and I know that the world will judge me harshly and the Church will judge me even harsher. When I look at the Rainbow I see the pastels and look for the lavenders, When I look at the fields I look for the flowers and I long to smell the Roses and have the breeze blow and swirl my skirt as the sun kisses my Skin and feel the embrace of the arms of God as he hugs me with His love.

the Book True selves

I bought a book that I have fell in love with and it explains alot of how I have felt over the years you know when your TG unless your TG you really don't understand what it is like and what you feel I tell people like this I have a Cadillac Brian(Computer) in a VW body and that is the best I can put it when your brain says Woman and your soul says Woman and the body says Man you feel like your screwed in the world so this book has opened my eyes about what I am. and have gone through and before I was a real judge metal person but now I am one of the most understanding people in the world well Thats it for this Blog I hope you all have a great day.

Jeannie C. Riley -- Harper Valley P.T.A.

New Family on facebook

I have had the pleasure of having some of my blood relatives added to my face book and they all may not have all come around to the fact that the Real me is Alicia Neal but it has been comforting to me that this has happened and a relief in general and I am so glad that they have seen the real side of who and what I am.

here is a letter I sent to a 2nd Cousin

I hope that your doing well and I hope that you wont judge me too harsley when you read what I am sending you and I understand that you may not know how to react to what you are about to read but I hope that you will try to understand this is some thing I sent to a close friend of mine so here goes.
I hope this finds you doing well and I hope the weather has not effected you too much I am sending you this message in hopes that you and Audrey will be praying for me as I am having some real big interpersonal issues for a long time I have felt like I was 2 people in one, I noticed that you was friends with Jim Earl Swilley I watched intently his confession to his congregation has to his Homosexuality and after watching the whole thing I sent him a message and I conveyed to him that I was in no place to pass judgement because I was dealing with some issues of my own and have dealt with theses issues since I was about 6 years old so now after some time I feel like I can trust you with this as we have been friends for many years I have known for a long time I was different well there is just no sugar coated way of saying this I am transgendered I have felt like I was trapped in the wrong body I have had to reconcile what I have been taught and what I have preached with what and who I am I may wind up resigning the ministry over this but I am taking this one day at the Time and yes Lauren knows she even says I am more like a woman than a man this is an excerpt of a letter I sent to some of my family members
This is just a note to all of my family member as some of you may have known and for some of you may not have known I have been dealing with a lot of things in my 48 years of life. Approximately 4 years ago I attempted to commit suicide I felt as if I was a failure as a person, as a husband and mostly as a father, me and my wife attended counseling at the pastoral institute and during that time I had to bring some things out to my wife and at the time she was shocked but came to realize how deep my personal problems had become, shortly after that happened my daughter was molested by a 15 year old boy at the age of 9 we have gone through a lot with her distrust of boys and she asked why was I going through therapy with momma then we made a decision to tell her why because she begged to know so me and the wife decided to tell her she had a great understanding of my life’s deepest issues . Now I bring it to all of you as of Friday April 2008 I am out of the closet as a Transgendered person
I hope that I will not loose you as a friend over this I just can not explain what it is like to be the person who is dealing from the inside out i equate it to a living hell I hope that I gain the same kind of Grace and mercy from the Lord as I can get. xxxxx This was his response,
First xxxxx, you won't lose me as a friend. You won't lose the Lord as a friend either. He will give you grace and mercy. What does transgendered mean? Are you cross-dressing? You told me that you had experienced that years ago. Are you being faithful to xxxxx? I'm not asking to judge. It's just that I don't know what all transgendered means. .
and this is my follow up.
I feel as if I am a woman trapped in a mans body and have felt this way since I was about 6 years of age and yes I am faithful to xxxxxx and always will be ,I have know this for years but I have buried it with my judge-mentality of others , And by what I mean I feel as if I am trapped in the wrong body in my mind I am a woman and always have been when other boys was playing cowboys and Indians I wanted to play house when other boys love Blue I have always loved Pink and there are other things too that I could tell you as to why I feel this way.Now you see why I could not Judge Jim Earl,I hope is that I have not lost your respect
xxxxxxxxx
AKA Alicia Neal
That is what my mother was going to name me if I had be born a GG (Genetic Girl)
and here is some info I sent to him.
This is from wikipedia
Transgender (pronounced /trænzˈdʒɛndər/) is a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies to vary from the usual gender roles.

Transgender is the state of one's "gender identity" (self-identification as woman, man, neither or both) not matching one's "assigned sex" (identification by others as male, female or intersex based on physical/genetic sex). "Transgender" does not imply any specific form of sexual orientation; transgender people may identify as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, pansexual, polysexual, or asexual; some may consider conventional sexual orientation labels inadequate or inapplicable to them. The precise definition for transgender remains in flux, but includes:

* "Of, relating to, or designating a person whose identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender roles, but combines or moves between these."[1]
* "People who were assigned a sex, usually at birth and based on their genitals, but who feel that this is a false or incomplete description of themselves."[2]
* "Non-identification with, or non-presentation as, the sex (and assumed gender) one was assigned at birth."[3]
Like I said I know you may not understand this all but for years I have lived in a private HELL with this in the back and front of my mind I guess when your not the one living with this it seems sort of crazy but I have for years I shared this some time back with Gloria and as she said we all have our cross to bear.
xxxxxx aka Alicia Neal

Coming out to an Ex Cousin

Today I came out to an ex cousin of Mine I am posting the letters that was sent back and forth but I am changing the names to protect the Guilty lol.

Hi Txxx I hope that your doing well and I am so glad that the girls are doing well and I hope Axxx, is doing good as well as you know we don't live down there any more and I miss them all so much and remember riding with you and Rxxxx the girls and Axxx to Nxxx for thanksgiving one year.
Well I don't know what you may have heard about me or if you have heard anything about me but in-case you have let me share with you what I shared with an old friend of mine and I hope that you judge me to harshly when you read what I am about to share with you. and forgive me if you see that I have wronged you in the past please.
I hope this finds you doing well and I hope the weather has not effected you too much I am sending you this message in hopes that you and Audrey will be praying for me as I am having some real big interpersonal issues for a long time I have felt like I was 2 people in one, I noticed that you was friends with Jim Earl Swilley I watched intently his confession to his congregation has to his Homosexuality and after watching the whole thing I sent him a message and I conveyed to him that I was in no place to pass judgement because I was dealing with some issues of my own and have dealt with theses issues since I was about 6 years old so now after some time I feel like I can trust you with this as we have been friends for many years I have known for a long time I was different well there is just no sugar coated way of saying this I am transgendered I have felt like I was trapped in the wrong body I have had to reconcile what I have been taught and what I have preached with what and who I am I may wind up resigning the ministry over this but I am taking this one day at the Time and yes Lauren knows she even says I am more like a woman than a man this is an excerpt of a letter I sent to some of my family members
This is just a note to all of my family member as some of you may have known and for some of you may not have known I have been dealing with a lot of things in my 48 years of life. Approximately 4 years ago I attempted to commit suicide I felt as if I was a failure as a person, as a husband and mostly as a father, me and my wife attended counseling at the pastoral institute and during that time I had to bring some things out to my wife and at the time she was shocked but came to realize how deep my personal problems had become, shortly after that happened my daughter was molested by a 15 year old boy at the age of 9 we have gone through a lot with her distrust of boys and she asked why was I going through therapy with momma then we made a decision to tell her why because she begged to know so me and the wife decided to tell her she had a great understanding of my life’s deepest issues . Now I bring it to all of you as of Friday April 2008 I am out of the closet as a Transgendered person
I hope that I will not loose you as a friend over this I just can not explain what it is like to be the person who is dealing from the inside out i equate it to a living hell I hope that I gain the same kind of Grace and mercy from the Lord as I can get.
and here is her response.
Cxxx, I had heard none of this but I do not judge. I am not a religious person and the judgement is one of the reasons. I am a lesbian and have been living my life as such for the past 13 years. I know several transgendered people and don't think even think of them as transgendered anymore. They are female, period. I think we should all be happy in our bodies and our lives. If this is who you are, then I commend you for being true to yourself and wish you all the happiness. You must first make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy. Good luck and keep me updated on your progress.
I am so glad some one I have know for years will accept me

Alicia Neal